Be careful when watching Tennis

Tennis has an aura of glitz and glamour about it, but truthfully, there is a much dirtier underbelly to the sport. Most sports we can watch without guilt (excluding beach volleyball - does anyone actually know the rules to this sport? Who cares!), but tennis brings the dirty, horny beast out of me. It might be the skimpy clothing, it might be the toned legs, it might be the sun kissed skin on all of the players, it might even be that the women play also. What I do know is that those women all grunt like the force of an almighty God has struck them down.

If you're watching alone, the viewing experience goes without a hitch, you can enjoy your groaning in peace. HOWEVER. If there is someone in a nearby room, it becomes KIND OF FUCKING AWKWARD. Because the actual commentary is so quiet in comparison to the grunting, people nearby can't actually hear it. All people are hearing is "UNGH AHH UNGGHHH COME ON". All of those things are pretty similar to what you'd hear in a DVD of Teen Super Suckers and Fuckers 9.

That's where the guilt kicks in. You know you're doing nothing wrong, you're just watching an innocent game of moaning, groaning, sensual tennis. But the other person thinks you are just a lustful, perverted porn king. While some of us are lustful, perverted porn kings in our spare time, guilt should not be an emotion you experience while you watch young, slender, sweaty girls running around hitting balls. In and out. In and out. Even if the audio from the XXX Channel is no different to the audio on the Tennis Channel, I just want to watch my sweaty girls in peace. If I wanted to watch porn I would watch a Miley Cyrus concert.

Don't get me wrong, all the tennis girls are super hot, and the groaning and moaning certainly sparks my "imagination". The problem is the paranoia they create in your mind when your mum is doing the ironing in the room 2 doors down. If I were a father, I'd be proud that my son was watching porn. When walking in the room to discover it was actually tennis, I'd probably be a little disappointed. To be quite honest, the tennis girls make the exact same retarded faces that we make during sex, it's virtually a stepping stone to porn. Like weed is a gateway drug to other more dangerous ones, tennis is a gateway porn to FULL BLOWN HARDCORE PORN. In terms of ranking it goes (and speaking from 13 year old boy horniness experience): Instructional massage video - Sex Ed anatomical diagram - Bra fitting demonstration - Bikini contest - Tennis - PORN.

While the moaning and groaning does have it's benefits, it really needs to go. One of these days I'll get kicked out of my house because the neighbours won't stop complaining about all the porn being played at my house, and there's no way they'd let me watch the tennis either. The potential for mistaking tennis groans for sex groans is so large I don't even think Ron Jeremy himself can tell the difference. For now, I have to stick to watching Animal Planet and avoiding the Tennis Channel. The one thing the animal kingdom has over humans: none of them make the same retarded sounds or faces during sex that we do.

Porn Star:

Tennis Star:

Why I won't be buying a 3D TV

Ever since Avatar came out, the world has joined as one in one massive 3D circle jerk (with full panoramic view). Now, I'm fine with a circle jerk, especially when they are over blue extra-terrestrials with smoking bodies, but in this instance I have to refrain from throwing my (proverbial) hat in the ring. I don't want a 3D TV. Not because of the clunky glasses, not because of the astronomical price of the technology, not because of the various other pieces you have to buy to make the TV actually work, not because of the 5 million formats you have to consider, not because of the strain the 3D puts on your eyes, not because of the difficulty viewing the TV from anywhere but in front of the TV set, not because of the limited amount of things to watch that are actually in 3D, but because I remember what my life was like when I got HD TV. I remember it clearly, but I remember the aftermath just as vividly. I could see everything! Every blade of grass, every drop of sweat, every growing curve on Mariah Carey's body. I could die the very next day and I would die happy. I had joined the HD circle jerk and I had come away with not a single bit of (proverbial) egg on my face. This was the life, a perfect viewing experience. It didn't matter if I was 1 inch away or 10 feet. Every encounter was more pleasant than the last. But the day came where I was without my HD TV. I was at a friend's house. "You wanna watch some TV?" "For sure" I said, unaware of the physical assault my eyes were about to take. He flicks on the television. My eyes have been spoiled by the gloriousness (yeah it's a word) of my HD TV for about a week now. As the pixels fill out the black on the TV, my eyes take a pounding. "YOU DON'T HAVE HD TV?" I scream, sweat piling on my forehead. I relate it to being mugged. You don't want to look the guy in the eyes in case there is eye contact and he gets pissed. But you have to. You have to so you know what he looks like, for when the police come. In this case, the HD police. Watching regular TV after you've been watching full HD TV for a week is like a guy named Jeff who wont stop throwing dirt in your eyes when you're 7 years old because he thinks it's funny (fuck you Jeff). It's physical assault. I'd rather smother my face with a pillow and just listen to the sound. I'm virtually blind anyway with this terrible picture quality. DAMN YOU REGULAR TV. I went home crying. I felt like I had been raped. This is why I won't be buying a 3D TV. Because going from 3D TV to a regular TV will be like this experience on a whole new 3D, Avatar scale. When 3D is the norm in households, I will buy one. But not now. Not while these HD wounds are still healing.