The Girl to Season theory

Girls are very hard to read. They PMS all over the place and a platter of meats between their legs. I've developed a simple chart to help you understand the good from the bad. The different varieties of girls are also very related to the seasons that we endure for all our lives. Well, some we endure, others we tug our appendages over. Nightly. This list covers the good the bad and the ugly of women everywhere. Hopefully this gives you an insight into the female race and which tier they fall into.

 Sandra Bullock, Marisa Miller, Charlize Theron, Kim Kardashian, Kate Beckinsale

• Liked by the majority of people, and a favourite among horny (all) men because of the small clothing involved
• Manages to get you sweaty at night
• Gives females an excuse to be catty and angry
• Sometimes gives you a headache
• Super hot

 
Alicia Silverstone in Clueless, Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman (downgraded due to short hair dumbassery), Jennifer Aniston, Megan Fox (downgraded for being a dumbass), Taylor Swift, Hayley Williams

• A downgrade from summer, but still very beautiful
• Liked by a majority of old people and and artsy types who can see it for it's beauty
• Enjoyable, but if you had the choice, you'd rather fuck have Summer
• Comfortably warm, but not super hot

Mel C, fat Kelly Clarkson, strung out Nicole Richie, Amber Rose, Elizabeth Hasselbeck (downgraded multiple times for being multiple dumbass levels), Sarah Jessica Parker

• Not really liked by a lot of people
• Pisses you off whenever it starts to come near 
• Pretty fucking ugly and is capable of killing leaves just by looking at them
• Isn't conducive to happy feelings
• Emo 11 year olds can find beauty in it by writing poems about it
• Only saving grace is that there is worse to come

Rosie O'Donnell, Lindsay Lohan, Lisa Lampanelli, Courtney Love after Hole, Tori Spelling

• Hated by virtually everyone
• You have to save all your wood because it sure as fuck won't be needed if it was Summer
• Wouldn't mind if it no longer existed
• Makes you want to kill yourself
• Need a shower after looking at it
• Disgusted that people like this actually exist
• CONFUSED AS TO HOW THEY ALL ARE SO DISGUSTING
• Massive urge to punch them all in the face

Got carried away, but the point still stands. Keep working hard girls and I'll upgrade you to the bit-more-likable Autumn!

Silly things girls are attracted to

Since girls heads are filled with such important things like nail polish, cellulite and 90210, I will cut them a bit of slack on their perceived perfection in men, and what is attractive to them. What girls see as attractive are however flawed. There is no user functionality to the perfect man. Let me explain why.

The obvious attraction to girls is the body. Easy on the eye and tender to the touch, a good body can be used to promote anything, from a food grill to rape. A well constructed body can run rings around a fat one with more endurance, speed and power. It is however missing one massively vital attribute. Floatation. Muscle is three times heavier than fat. If you are trapped on an island in the middle of nowhere with a built man, you are on a one way track to the bottom of the ocean to meet Leo DiCaprio on the ocean floor (also muscular, see a pattern here ladies?) Stuck with a fat sweaty guy? Shunt him into the water as you would a beached whale, hop on and paddle your happy ass back home.

Next time you see Matthew McConaughey shirtless, think of the consequences this situation have on the both of you. It's a tragedy, all because you wanted some muscle. Shame on you. Also, if you encounter pirates on your fat guy voyage, fatness comes once more into play. How many bullets do you think a quarter of an inch can take? Answer: ONE. One shot and you're both gone. Now, think about how many bullets a thick 6 inch mane of fat can take. Answer: FUCKING HEAPS. Not only can he take a bullet for you, he can take a fucking ASSAULT of them.

If a man with a French accent opens his mouth, all guys within a 2 mile radius come running with a shotgun to put the poor man out of his misery. All girls come running to fuck him. What the guys will do to him depends on what type of accent he has. The further west, the further you get tortured (Geography joke for you). Girls however want to bone anything that rolls their R's or draws their A's. Once again there is a flaw in this attraction. Guys with accents are usually either terrorists or rapists. Osama Bin Laden: Terrorist - Check. Accent - Check. I can understand the rape fetish but the terrorist fetish is where I draw the line. If you have a terrorist fetish either call a terrorist hot line or turn yourself into police for the sake of society. Accents are just tools used by tools to tool you in the vagina. Stop being sucked into it.

You may have heard that women are attracted to a driven man, a man willing to work hard. These are fabricated lies, a visage created by women everywhere to disguise something much simpler. A hard working man invariably has a lot of money, enough to keep a woman quiet.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MONEY, NOT WORK ETHIC.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MONEY, NOT WORK ETHIC.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MONEY, NOT WORK ETHIC.

Repeating myself for emphasis. I see through your deceit, women. You haven't fooled me yet you pack of miscreants. If I tell a lady I have 6 figures in my bank account, I'm in hot demand. If I tell them that one of those figures is a minus sign, guess how attractive I am to women now. Hint: Zero. ZERO ATTRACTIVE.

Women are attracted to a man who expresses his feelings. This man probably has a bigger woman's magazine collection than you do. Consider your actions before approaching him.

Women are attracted to a well dressed man. This man is 100% undeniably GAY.

I forget where I am going with this article. I can't even remember why I was defending battleship men. The point is, if there are any girls out there willing to give a cynical, sarcastic, hypocritical guy a shot please (please) call me. I have an accent and I'm not a terrorist. We can try rolling my D into your V.