Silly things girls are attracted to

Since girls heads are filled with such important things like nail polish, cellulite and 90210, I will cut them a bit of slack on their perceived perfection in men, and what is attractive to them. What girls see as attractive are however flawed. There is no user functionality to the perfect man. Let me explain why.

The obvious attraction to girls is the body. Easy on the eye and tender to the touch, a good body can be used to promote anything, from a food grill to rape. A well constructed body can run rings around a fat one with more endurance, speed and power. It is however missing one massively vital attribute. Floatation. Muscle is three times heavier than fat. If you are trapped on an island in the middle of nowhere with a built man, you are on a one way track to the bottom of the ocean to meet Leo DiCaprio on the ocean floor (also muscular, see a pattern here ladies?) Stuck with a fat sweaty guy? Shunt him into the water as you would a beached whale, hop on and paddle your happy ass back home.

Next time you see Matthew McConaughey shirtless, think of the consequences this situation have on the both of you. It's a tragedy, all because you wanted some muscle. Shame on you. Also, if you encounter pirates on your fat guy voyage, fatness comes once more into play. How many bullets do you think a quarter of an inch can take? Answer: ONE. One shot and you're both gone. Now, think about how many bullets a thick 6 inch mane of fat can take. Answer: FUCKING HEAPS. Not only can he take a bullet for you, he can take a fucking ASSAULT of them.

If a man with a French accent opens his mouth, all guys within a 2 mile radius come running with a shotgun to put the poor man out of his misery. All girls come running to fuck him. What the guys will do to him depends on what type of accent he has. The further west, the further you get tortured (Geography joke for you). Girls however want to bone anything that rolls their R's or draws their A's. Once again there is a flaw in this attraction. Guys with accents are usually either terrorists or rapists. Osama Bin Laden: Terrorist - Check. Accent - Check. I can understand the rape fetish but the terrorist fetish is where I draw the line. If you have a terrorist fetish either call a terrorist hot line or turn yourself into police for the sake of society. Accents are just tools used by tools to tool you in the vagina. Stop being sucked into it.

You may have heard that women are attracted to a driven man, a man willing to work hard. These are fabricated lies, a visage created by women everywhere to disguise something much simpler. A hard working man invariably has a lot of money, enough to keep a woman quiet.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MONEY, NOT WORK ETHIC.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MONEY, NOT WORK ETHIC.

WOMEN ARE ATTRACTED TO MONEY, NOT WORK ETHIC.

Repeating myself for emphasis. I see through your deceit, women. You haven't fooled me yet you pack of miscreants. If I tell a lady I have 6 figures in my bank account, I'm in hot demand. If I tell them that one of those figures is a minus sign, guess how attractive I am to women now. Hint: Zero. ZERO ATTRACTIVE.

Women are attracted to a man who expresses his feelings. This man probably has a bigger woman's magazine collection than you do. Consider your actions before approaching him.

Women are attracted to a well dressed man. This man is 100% undeniably GAY.

I forget where I am going with this article. I can't even remember why I was defending battleship men. The point is, if there are any girls out there willing to give a cynical, sarcastic, hypocritical guy a shot please (please) call me. I have an accent and I'm not a terrorist. We can try rolling my D into your V.

Going to the movies can be painful

A lot of things in life can be ruined easily - concerts, weddings, parties, fresh water crocodile births, the list seemingly never ends. Overall though, the one event that can be ruined at any given moment, by any given member of society is the cinema. Going to the movies is an experience where any slight hindrance to your viewing pleasure is magnified 5 million times.

A kick in the seat feels like a bus slamming into you, a crunching food wrapper sounds like Apollo 13 taking off, someone whispering sounds like Fran Drescher in full scream mode. The worst thing is: ALL OF THESE THINGS START HAPPENING WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS. The movie beginning, believe it or not, is not the green light to start to start your Hitler Youth revolution(s). If you are an asshole in a cinema (and you know who you are), you are actively supporting the Nazi regime. And terrorists. And internet censorship. How could you be so cruel?

I can accept prices of movie tickets going up. That doesn't bother me. I'm poor anyway so you may as well just strip me of everything I have right now and put me out of my misery. But to kick a man when he's down by kicking a man when he's sitting down is too far. Parents, if your kid likes to pretend his legs are 2 pistons, kicking me at 50 kicks per second, please do the decent thing. Please put a leash on him and yank it when he gets out of line. I've seen this method work on dogs. How many dogs do you see kicking at a cinema? Thought so. Dogs are better humans than humans are, and they aren't even humans. Do the scientific math.

The Chinese are known for their torture methods. Burning, electric shock, water and ropes are all used in various ways to torture the living shit out of someone. What a lot of people don't know is that the worst of them is actually prevalent in Western society: douchebags who eat their food slowly but still somehow manage to blow the roof off the cinema with noise. You know who I'm talking about. They come in 2 different styles, but they are essentially the same. The first one is the guy who tries so hard (although quite frankly not hard enough) to keep his shit quiet by moving the food wrapper very slow, but the result is the exact opposite and the CRINKLE CRINKLE CRANKLE echoes through the whole cinema. This guy is an asshole. The other guy is the guy who thinks he is in some world record race to eat his ice cream. This douchebag stops for NO ONE OR NOTHING. This guy is a food wrecking ball goliath. This guy is fucking proud of how fast he's eating and god damn it he's going to let you know about it. This guy is an asshole.

Ultimately these things combined with other movie nuisances such as: the guy who puts his foot on top of your foot without realising it, the guy who eats his ice (What the hell? What's the point in this? Go back to Antarctica, Willy), the guy who takes up all the arm rest space, the kids in the back who talk about Grey's Anatomy the whole time, or the fact that the movie you're watching is TOTAL FUCKING SHIT (thank you, Meet the Spartans) means that you WILL flip out at the next thing to slightly set you off. If there's an epileptic in the cinema, you can probably accept 1 or 2 rounds of the jitters from him or her. But if they're epileptic'ing throughout the whole movie, that's where you draw the line. It takes a very strong man to respect everyone and hold in his rage at this point.

When I have kids, I'll probably give them a trial run at a movie where there will be very few people in attendance (say something with Dane Cook, or ANOTHER Baby Geniuses sequel). If they don't pass their trial of not being a fucking annoying seat kicking twat, I'll be locking them up in a parakeet cage and gagging their mouths with old complaint letters for future movie experiences. I'm a compassionate person after all. There's no way I'm going to let someone else go through the pain I have been through. It's too traumatic. People, let's take the sin out of the Cinema.

 Look how tranquil this is. I have a dream.