Tuesday, June 29, 2010


I DARE you to find a catchier song than this. Double dog dare. I really don't know if I'm blinded by the ass, but(t) this song stays in my head for ages. It's going to be my song when I walk down the aisle at my funeral.


call on me

call      on       me.

call. on. me. 

What are the catchy songs that stay in your brain's basement?

My friendly palm

You know you spend too much on your computer when your mousing palm has been smoothed from all the use :( At least I think it's from the computer.

Otherwise it might be my mousing palm's 'benefits' doing this :( :( :(

Friday, June 25, 2010

My gifts and why they don’t suck

Everyone loves gifts. Wait, everyone “loves” gifts. While I have met people that don’t like receiving gifts (myself included, I feel unnecessarily guilty), the majority of people enjoy gifts. This is a given. But recently I gave a gift to a friend who felt it was not up to standard. At first I thought he was kidding - my gifts are always fucking stellar. How do I know this? Because I give the same thing every fucking time. And every time it is like Jesus Christ himself has come out from under his rock (haha, fat chance) and created this gift with his own bare hands. Now, I hear you asking, “What could POSSIBLY be a great gift over and over without deteriorating in quality?” The answer is simple. $20 and a block of chocolate.

$20 and a block of chocolate go together perfectly. Like fat people and pizza, like Burger and King, like auto and tune, like peace and happiness, like bitches and hoes. All of these things fit together like a nice pair of Chinese made tennis shoes. My friend, who shall be named Frederick for the purpose of this document, obviously didn’t see it this way. At the time of giving it to him, he was stoked. “Awesome!” I believe was his word. A small satisfactory head nod/wink signaled my acknowledgment that I understood he enjoyed the gift, and the night went on to bring much joy to the people. A couple days later he slipped his gift into a conversation, that’s when things got hot and heavy in the most heterosexual of ways.

“Hey, you know that gift you got me?” he said, out of the blue.
“Yeah of course! Bet it tasted great!”
“It was pretty thoughtless.”

Needless to say, I was flabberly flabbergasted. What could someone POSSIBLY think is thoughtless about receiving the two most sought after things on the planet? Actually, scratch that, the UNIVERSE. Show me one man who doesn’t think money is cool and I will show you a gigolo. Show me one woman who doesn’t like chocolate and I will show you a strung out Nicole Richie. Me, being the nice guy I am (not really, I just knew this would be great content for an article), listened to Frederick as he tried to reason with me. “It’s just pretty clear you didn’t put much thought into it is all.” First of all, when someone ends a sentence with “is all”, you can replace “is all” with “you asshole”, and the tone of the sentence stays exactly the same. Try it at home!

I could’ve got Frederick a variety of things, and till the day I die, I will argue this point: anything OTHER than $20 and a block of chocolate will not bring 100% total satisfaction. Think about it. The $20 will be there whenever he wants, and he can use it however he wants. Even being lenient, the chocolate will be eaten within 2 months, max. Unless you’re a normal person, in which case it will be devoured in less than 3 hours.

I could buy him a CD. But he will probably not like 1 or 2 songs on it. 100% SATISFACTION GONE. Even if he DOES like every song, joke's on him, because the CD technology will be out of date by the time he dies. Can’t play it all the way to his deathbed. 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

I could buy him a case of beer. What happens if he drops it, and while picking up the pieces he contracts HIV on a nearby needle his junkie cousin Emily was using just 3 days prior? 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

I could buy him a video game. What happens if, in a drunken HIV haze, he mistakes his toaster for his Xbox. Pretty sure gifts aren’t meant to electrocute someone. 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

I could get him a 3 horsepower power tool with the capability to cut a man’s arm off in one slice with ease. He would probably never use it. 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

Obviously these are exaggerations, and no power tool is capable of doing that in one slice. I’d say it takes about 6 or 7 depending on your skeletal strength. (Also HIV is no joke. Stay in school kids. Or skip and read it on Wiki.) In fact, the ONLY thing better than $20 and a block of chocolate is MORE money and MORE chocolate. And you can bet your unthoughtful ass if I had more chocolate and more money, you would sure as hell be getting it, FREDERICK, IS ALL.

The next time you think someone could do better than $20 and a block of chocolate, think again. You’re getting a gift from Jesus Christ himself.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Russell Crowe

During filming for Robin Hood, Russell Crowe said he was shooting close to 175 arrows a day, similar to that of an Olympic archer. He also was averaging punching 1 man a day, similar to that of an Olympic boxer.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Why I won't be buying a 3D TV

Ever since Avatar came out, the world has joined as one in one massive 3D circle jerk (with full panoramic view). Now, I'm fine with a circle jerk, especially when they are over blue extra-terrestrials with smoking bodies, but in this instance I have to refrain from throwing my (proverbial) hat in the ring. I don't want a 3D TV. Not because of the clunky glasses, not because of the astronomical price of the technology, not because of the various other pieces you have to buy to make the TV actually work, not because of the 5 million formats you have to consider, not because of the strain the 3D puts on your eyes, not because of the difficulty viewing the TV from anywhere but in front of the TV set, not because of the limited amount of things to watch that are actually in 3D, but because I remember what my life was like when I got HD TV. I remember it clearly, but I remember the aftermath just as vividly. I could see everything! Every blade of grass, every drop of sweat, every growing curve on Mariah Carey's body. I could die the very next day and I would die happy. I had joined the HD circle jerk and I had come away with not a single bit of (proverbial) egg on my face. This was the life, a perfect viewing experience. It didn't matter if I was 1 inch away or 10 feet. Every encounter was more pleasant than the last. But the day came where I was without my HD TV. I was at a friend's house. "You wanna watch some TV?" "For sure" I said, unaware of the physical assault my eyes were about to take. He flicks on the television. My eyes have been spoiled by the gloriousness (yeah it's a word) of my HD TV for about a week now. As the pixels fill out the black on the TV, my eyes take a pounding. "YOU DON'T HAVE HD TV?" I scream, sweat piling on my forehead. I relate it to being mugged. You don't want to look the guy in the eyes in case there is eye contact and he gets pissed. But you have to. You have to so you know what he looks like, for when the police come. In this case, the HD police. Watching regular TV after you've been watching full HD TV for a week is like a guy named Jeff who wont stop throwing dirt in your eyes when you're 7 years old because he thinks it's funny (fuck you Jeff). It's physical assault. I'd rather smother my face with a pillow and just listen to the sound. I'm virtually blind anyway with this terrible picture quality. DAMN YOU REGULAR TV. I went home crying. I felt like I had been raped. This is why I won't be buying a 3D TV. Because going from 3D TV to a regular TV will be like this experience on a whole new 3D, Avatar scale. When 3D is the norm in households, I will buy one. But not now. Not while these HD wounds are still healing.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010