My gifts and why they don’t suck

Everyone loves gifts. Wait, everyone “loves” gifts. While I have met people that don’t like receiving gifts (myself included, I feel unnecessarily guilty), the majority of people enjoy gifts. This is a given. But recently I gave a gift to a friend who felt it was not up to standard. At first I thought he was kidding - my gifts are always fucking stellar. How do I know this? Because I give the same thing every fucking time. And every time it is like Jesus Christ himself has come out from under his rock (haha, fat chance) and created this gift with his own bare hands. Now, I hear you asking, “What could POSSIBLY be a great gift over and over without deteriorating in quality?” The answer is simple. $20 and a block of chocolate.

$20 and a block of chocolate go together perfectly. Like fat people and pizza, like Burger and King, like auto and tune, like peace and happiness, like bitches and hoes. All of these things fit together like a nice pair of Chinese made tennis shoes. My friend, who shall be named Frederick for the purpose of this document, obviously didn’t see it this way. At the time of giving it to him, he was stoked. “Awesome!” I believe was his word. A small satisfactory head nod/wink signaled my acknowledgment that I understood he enjoyed the gift, and the night went on to bring much joy to the people. A couple days later he slipped his gift into a conversation, that’s when things got hot and heavy in the most heterosexual of ways.

“Hey, you know that gift you got me?” he said, out of the blue.
“Yeah of course! Bet it tasted great!”
“It was pretty thoughtless.”

Needless to say, I was flabberly flabbergasted. What could someone POSSIBLY think is thoughtless about receiving the two most sought after things on the planet? Actually, scratch that, the UNIVERSE. Show me one man who doesn’t think money is cool and I will show you a gigolo. Show me one woman who doesn’t like chocolate and I will show you a strung out Nicole Richie. Me, being the nice guy I am (not really, I just knew this would be great content for an article), listened to Frederick as he tried to reason with me. “It’s just pretty clear you didn’t put much thought into it is all.” First of all, when someone ends a sentence with “is all”, you can replace “is all” with “you asshole”, and the tone of the sentence stays exactly the same. Try it at home!

I could’ve got Frederick a variety of things, and till the day I die, I will argue this point: anything OTHER than $20 and a block of chocolate will not bring 100% total satisfaction. Think about it. The $20 will be there whenever he wants, and he can use it however he wants. Even being lenient, the chocolate will be eaten within 2 months, max. Unless you’re a normal person, in which case it will be devoured in less than 3 hours.

I could buy him a CD. But he will probably not like 1 or 2 songs on it. 100% SATISFACTION GONE. Even if he DOES like every song, joke's on him, because the CD technology will be out of date by the time he dies. Can’t play it all the way to his deathbed. 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

I could buy him a case of beer. What happens if he drops it, and while picking up the pieces he contracts HIV on a nearby needle his junkie cousin Emily was using just 3 days prior? 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

I could buy him a video game. What happens if, in a drunken HIV haze, he mistakes his toaster for his Xbox. Pretty sure gifts aren’t meant to electrocute someone. 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

I could get him a 3 horsepower power tool with the capability to cut a man’s arm off in one slice with ease. He would probably never use it. 100% SATISFACTION GONE.

Obviously these are exaggerations, and no power tool is capable of doing that in one slice. I’d say it takes about 6 or 7 depending on your skeletal strength. (Also HIV is no joke. Stay in school kids. Or skip and read it on Wiki.) In fact, the ONLY thing better than $20 and a block of chocolate is MORE money and MORE chocolate. And you can bet your unthoughtful ass if I had more chocolate and more money, you would sure as hell be getting it, FREDERICK, IS ALL.

The next time you think someone could do better than $20 and a block of chocolate, think again. You’re getting a gift from Jesus Christ himself.