Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fine dining is not fine with me

Fine dining is the hipster of the food world. You know those artsy kids who wear tight black jeans and some ironic t-shirt with a faded scarf and a $100 haircut that looks exactly the same as a free one? Those guys that begin a music conversation with "you probably haven't heard of this band..." or "I knew about them before they sold out. They are so lame now." It is EXACTLY the same with bullshit fine dining meals.

I can see it's food, and it's on a plate. I can see it's meant to be eaten. The thing is, it's trying so fucking hard to look different that I just want to punch it right in the Cajun cashew blended drizzled nuts. When I want a meal I want a fucking MEAL. Not something the size of my thumbnail and the price of Michael Jackson's glove.

Don't get me wrong, some of these meals look pretty nice. Do they look tasty? No. Do they look like they could be frozen solid and sold as key chains in the restaurant gift shop? Yes. This review gives you the cold hard truth on these hipster junkie meals.

Nice, a stick, a rock, some grass and some shaving foam, this meal looks incredible. Totally worth the 50 bucks. I sincerely hope that this is being served to an African orphan who has been living off dirt for 3 months, because really, dirt is the only thing that I think is worse than that handful of things you put on that plate.

You know you're fine dining when the fish is the same size as the fucking fork. This reminds me of writing essays in high school, where you always put in extra words and made the font bigger just to make it look like you had put more effort in. In this case, the extra words are the broccoli and whatever the fuck that yellow thing is. Only 40 bucks? What a steal!

"Hey, I know, lets blast the fucking plate with dressing so people don't realize that we only put 3 things the size of cherries on their plate!"
"Hey, they might notice. Put a couple of leaves on top to be sure."
I don't even think a cat would be satisfied with the amount of food on this plate.

Really? Honestly? Man, you better get me a massive glass of water to wash this bad boy down. This is garbage and technically fraud. I ordered 'food' not 'something wrapped in a leaf with grass scattered around it'.

This has to be a mistake. Surely this is a drink that has been accidentally served on a plate. Surely. I really doubt if that could even fill up a glass. The golden rule of fine dining: no matter what the size of the meal, make sure the plate is FUCKING ASTRONOMICALLY, ALMOST COMICALLY, HUGE.

The hell? Covering half my plate with icing sugar doesn't make that tart bigger you asshole. The sad thing is, this is the entire dessert if you're fine dining. The good thing is this probably only sets you back 45 bucks. Even if you licked all of that icing sugar off, I'm pretty sure the entire value of that meal (including the plate) is about 9 dollars. By the way, nice leaf on top. Very necessary.

What the fuck? Did you just choose the 3 closest things to you and put a skewer through them? This is awful and not worthy of traveling through my digestive tract.

People, if you haven't already, I hope you realize that fine dining is bullshit. The food to plate ratio is always about 1:50000, you go broke just buying it, and the ingredients are seemingly things found in a guy named Phil's backyard. From now on, make sure you understand that anything that resembles the above is shit, and stay away from it. Fine dining is NOT those things, fine dining is this:


Sunday, August 29, 2010

Alpha male + douche = alpha douche

Probably the biggest disorder that has been sweeping our planet recently (and perhaps others) is alpha male-ism. The alpha male is quite a phenomenon, capable of ruining 13 people's nights in the space of approximately 6 minutes. Some reports have indicated a much higher number than this when a bitch (female) is involved. When you cross an alpha male with douche-type behaviour, you have an alpha douche on your hands. Be aware there are varying degrees of an alpha douche - most are fairly docile and pose no threat. The hierarchy of the alpha male is reasonably complex though, and I will try to cover the most common cases. Be advised: graphic douchery in the following article.

Grade 1 Alpha douche:

This alpha douche is the least aggressive of all, but is probably the most annoying. This is the guy who brings a fucking guitar to a party to "get chicks". This is the guy that only knows 2 chords on the guitar. If this guy is involved with any activity, you can bet your ass he is going to tell you about his history with it. For example, if a game of basketball starts after he's just played "Horse With No Name" for the 14th time that night, you are going to hear his ample past in basketball. The chances that none of it are true are too high for any measuring system to actually measure. Scientists estimate 100%.

No matter what achievements any person has in his vicinity, they mean nothing to this alpha douche, because he has far more accomplishments than any peasant below him. You won't be seeing them anytime soon though, since they're all in his head.

Grade 2 Alpha douche:

This douche you will see walking down the street everyday, with an undeserved look of arrogance and accomplishment. If he trips over something, he'll yell at someone nearby and claim it was their fault. If he gets denied by a girl, he'll shout "WHORE" to detract from his failings. This douche would rather take a kick to the gonads rather than have his male pride ruined. This alpha douche needs to make sure at ALL TIMES that no matter what happens, nothing is EVER his fault, for he is flawless. (He's not.) While these things may seem severe, he usually will avoid confrontation because if he comes home to mom with a scratch he won't be getting dinner. Knowledge that this guy will die forever lonely and unloved is punishment enough.

Grade 3 Alpha douche:

When you get to this stage, it's really a slippery slope to grade 4. Only saving grace is they HAVE to be acting. There's no way people like this are real.

Grade 4 Alpha douche:

This alpha douche is VERY aggressive and should not be approached. He works out every day (his arms and chest only) and has roughly 3 visible veins in his neck. He can be found in bars with a girl hanging off his overdeveloped arm (out of fear for her own personal safety after denying him 3 times previously), being loud and making sure everyone knows that he is on the premises. It's kind of like a group shower (this sounds gay...) where there's one guy with a 2 foot long schlong. Everyone can see you're bigger, everyone can see you're more manly, but there's no way in hell I'd want to live like that. Circulation issues. If this alpha male has to go to bathroom, it's likely he's injecting some roids.

Naturally, none of these types can be associated as a leader (in a normal person's mind). So technically, they aren't alpha males. Douche males, yes. True alpha males perhaps not. However, since they do command attention they all deserve a place on the alpha douche hierarchy. Forget about the ozone layer and global warming, let's address the global douche-ing. We need to purify this planet before they start bringing roids and guitars to our children's schools. We need to purify for the safety of our women and the sanity of our citizens. If you imagine this message from the greatest alpha male douche, it will hit home what needs to be done.

This is also what grade 5 looks like.

Friday, August 13, 2010

The Girl to Season theory

Girls are very hard to read. They PMS all over the place and a platter of meats between their legs. I've developed a simple chart to help you understand the good from the bad. The different varieties of girls are also very related to the seasons that we endure for all our lives. Well, some we endure, others we tug our appendages over. Nightly. This list covers the good the bad and the ugly of women everywhere. Hopefully this gives you an insight into the female race and which tier they fall into.

 Sandra Bullock, Marisa Miller, Charlize Theron, Kim Kardashian, Kate Beckinsale
  • Liked by the majority of people, and a favourite among horny (all) men because of the small clothing involved
  • Manages to get you sweaty at night
  • Gives females an excuse to be catty and angry
  • Sometimes gives you a headache
  • Super hot
Alicia Silverstone in Clueless, Kate Winslet, Natalie Portman (downgraded due to short hair dumbassery), Jennifer Aniston, Megan Fox (downgraded for being a dumbass), Taylor Swift, Hayley Williams
  • A downgrade from summer, but still very beautiful
  • Liked by a majority of old people and and artsy types who can see it for it's beauty
  • Enjoyable, but if you had the choice, you'd rather fuck have Summer
  • Comfortably warm, but not super hot
Mel C, fat Kelly Clarkson, strung out Nicole Richie, Amber Rose, Elizabeth Hasselbeck (downgraded multiple times for being multiple dumbass levels), Sarah Jessica Parker
  • Not really liked by a lot of people
  • Pisses you off whenever it starts to come near 
  • Pretty fucking ugly and is capable of killing leaves just by looking at them
  • Isn't conducive to happy feelings
  • Emo 11 year olds can find beauty in it by writing poems about it
  • Only saving grace is that there is worse to come
Rosie O'Donnell, Lindsay Lohan, Lisa Lampanelli, Courtney Love after Hole, Tori Spelling
  • Hated by virtually everyone
  • You have to save all your wood because it sure as fuck won't be needed if it was Summer
  • Wouldn't mind if it no longer existed
  • Makes you want to kill yourself
  • Need a shower after looking at it
  • Disgusted that people like this actually exist
  • Massive urge to punch them all in the face
Got carried away, but the point still stands. Keep working hard girls and I'll upgrade you to the bit-more-likable Autumn!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Things humans can learn from inanimate objects

I think the whole human population would admit the whole human population blows. There is too much hate in this world. Wars in Israel and Iraq, gang crimes, homophobia and the Bieber army regime that consumes innocent 14 year old girl's souls for the purpose of world domination daily. The human race stops at nothing to bring sadness and hatred upon one another. I had a moment with my best friend, God, the other night to ask him why the world is such a volatile place. He said, "Sam, you must realize that humans are fucking scrotum scratching vermin."

And so it was.

We claim to be the smartest things on the planet (we're vain like that), but we are not smart enough to see that things that can't actually think for themselves are the smartest things on the planet.

When a banana dies away, it offers much to the earth. The skin can be used in the ground as a tremendous source of vitamins and nutrients, which in turn helps the trees and plants grow into beautiful majestic flora and fauna. The fruit itself will just dissolve into the ground peacefully. When a human dies however, there is MASSIVE STINK, the guts fall out of the body, we involuntarily piss all over the place, and take fucking forever to dissolve into nothingness. We don't even help the environment at all. Eyeballs do not make for a good fertilizer. Must we keep hurting our planet's feelings? A banana has the most retarded name ever, but does he/she hold any grudges and piss all over the place? No.

Spot the contributing member to society.

The human race can be painfully dull. While it is true that we do have some very funny people, the majority of them are so terrible that it in most cases I am inspired to start a protest march to make bad comedy illegal. Nothing less than the death penalty would be imposed. Bringing your harrowing comedy upon the rest of us is quite frankly insulting, and you should be ashamed. Just when you think comedy can't get ANY unfunnier, Charlie Sheen gets a new show.

Kill me now.

A chair that breaks when someone sits on it is funny. A hat that blows away in the wind and can't be caught is funny. A balloon that pops in someone's face is hilarious, and a potential lawsuit with a big payday. 2 birds, 1 hilarious stone. None of these need punchlines and they're always funny. No matter how hard Charlie Sheen tries, he will never, EVER be as funny as a chair.

One of these swears a lot, makes stupid faces and dumb noises, and tells long winded stories with no punch line. The other one is funny.

Humans pretty much suck. Some of us hate each other purely because of the colour of our skin. Probably the most known of these racist groups are the KKK. They promote things such as white supremacy, nationalism, and commit terrorist acts. Here is a fact some may not be aware of though. Since 1865, when the KKK was formed, not one dehumidifier has been a member of the Klan. NOT ONE. Never has a fireplace applied to be a member. A handrail was once in the group but this was later found to be an undercover officer. Inanimate objects don't judge on colour, creed, or race. They don't get involved in this racism tomfoolery, they are above it. They are role models we all need to look up to.

I'm not very fashionable because I'm not gay. I'm comfortable admitting that to the world. There are, however, plenty of humans who try very, very hard (too hard) to look good. If you aren't gay or a woman, you probably look like crap. It's inevitable. It's not too late for these people to admit that something that has no ability to think for themselves will always look better than they do. For example: which of these do you think looks ridiculous?

 Or this:
 Or this:

People try way too hard with how they look. Inanimate objects either look good or they don't, and move on with their bad ass life at 120 MPH.

As humans we all make mistakes. WHICH FUCKING BLOWS. Inanimate objects don't make mistakes. Let's take this lesson and move forward. The whole world would be a much better place if we stopped fucking it up. Next time you see a pin tack in a drawing board, observe how they live in harmony. We have much to learn.

While doing research for this article, I discovered that businessmen are always photographed with a phone.

Silly things girls are attracted to

Since girls heads are filled with such important things like nail polish, cellulite and 90210, I will cut them a bit of slack on their perceived perfection in men, and what is attractive to them. What girls see as attractive are however flawed. There is no user functionality to the perfect man. Let me explain why.

The obvious attraction to girls is the body. Easy on the eye and tender to the touch, a good body can be used to promote anything, from a food grill to rape. A well constructed body can run rings around a fat one with more endurance, speed and power. It is however missing one massively vital attribute. Floatation. Muscle is three times heavier than fat. If you are trapped on an island in the middle of nowhere with a built man, you are on a one way track to the bottom of the ocean to meet Leo DiCaprio on the ocean floor (also muscular, see a pattern here ladies?) Stuck with a fat sweaty guy? Shunt him into the water as you would a beached whale, hop on and paddle your happy ass back home.

Next time you see Matthew McConaughey shirtless, think of the consequences this situation have on the both of you. It's a tragedy, all because you wanted some muscle. Shame on you. Also, if you encounter pirates on your fat guy voyage, fatness comes once more into play. How many bullets do you think a quarter of an inch can take? Answer: ONE. One shot and you're both gone. Now, think about how many bullets a thick 6 inch mane of fat can take. Answer: FUCKING HEAPS. Not only can he take a bullet for you, he can take a fucking ASSAULT of them.

If a man with a French accent opens his mouth, all guys within a 2 mile radius come running with a shotgun to put the poor man out of his misery. All girls come running to fuck him. What the guys will do to him depends on what type of accent he has. The further west, the further you get tortured (Geography joke for you). Girls however want to bone anything that rolls their R's or draws their A's. Once again there is a flaw in this attraction. Guys with accents are usually either terrorists or rapists. Osama Bin Laden: Terrorist - Check. Accent - Check. I can understand the rape fetish but the terrorist fetish is where I draw the line. If you have a terrorist fetish either call a terrorist hot line or turn yourself into police for the sake of society. Accents are just tools used by tools to tool you in the vagina. Stop being sucked into it.

You may have heard that women are attracted to a driven man, a man willing to work hard. These are fabricated lies, a visage created by women everywhere to disguise something much simpler. A hard working man invariably has a lot of money, enough to keep a woman quiet.


Repeating myself for emphasis. I see through your deceit, women. You haven't fooled me yet you pack of miscreants. If I tell a lady I have 6 figures in my bank account, I'm in hot demand. If I tell them that one of those figures is a minus sign, guess how attractive I am to women now. Hint: Zero. ZERO ATTRACTIVE.

Women are attracted to a man who expresses his feelings. This man probably has a bigger woman's magazine collection than you do. Consider your actions before approaching him.

Women are attracted to a well dressed man. This man is 100% undeniably GAY.

I forget where I am going with this article. I can't even remember why I was defending battleship men. The point is, if there are any girls out there willing to give a cynical, sarcastic, hypocritical guy a shot please (please) call me. I have an accent and I'm not a terrorist. We can try rolling my D into your V.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Be careful when watching Tennis

Tennis has an aura of glitz and glamour about it, but truthfully, there is a much dirtier underbelly to the sport. Most sports we can watch without guilt (excluding beach volleyball - does anyone actually know the rules to this sport? Who cares!), but tennis brings the dirty, horny beast out of me. It might be the skimpy clothing, it might be the toned legs, it might be the sun kissed skin on all of the players, it might even be that the women play also. What I do know is that those women all grunt like the force of an almighty God has struck them down.

If you're watching alone, the viewing experience goes without a hitch, you can enjoy your groaning in peace. HOWEVER. If there is someone in a nearby room, it becomes KIND OF FUCKING AWKWARD. Because the actual commentary is so quiet in comparison to the grunting, people nearby can't actually hear it. All people are hearing is "UNGH AHH UNGGHHH COME ON". All of those things are pretty similar to what you'd hear in a DVD of Teen Super Suckers and Fuckers 9.

That's where the guilt kicks in. You know you're doing nothing wrong, you're just watching an innocent game of moaning, groaning, sensual tennis. But the other person thinks you are just a lustful, perverted porn king. While some of us are lustful, perverted porn kings in our spare time, guilt should not be an emotion you experience while you watch young, slender, sweaty girls running around hitting balls. In and out. In and out. Even if the audio from the XXX Channel is no different to the audio on the Tennis Channel, I just want to watch my sweaty girls in peace. If I wanted to watch porn I would watch a Miley Cyrus concert.

Don't get me wrong, all the tennis girls are super hot, and the groaning and moaning certainly sparks my "imagination". The problem is the paranoia they create in your mind when your mum is doing the ironing in the room 2 doors down. If I were a father, I'd be proud that my son was watching porn. When walking in the room to discover it was actually tennis, I'd probably be a little disappointed. To be quite honest, the tennis girls make the exact same retarded faces that we make during sex, it's virtually a stepping stone to porn. Like weed is a gateway drug to other more dangerous ones, tennis is a gateway porn to FULL BLOWN HARDCORE PORN. In terms of ranking it goes (and speaking from 13 year old boy horniness experience): Instructional massage video - Sex Ed anatomical diagram - Bra fitting demonstration - Bikini contest - Tennis - PORN.

While the moaning and groaning does have it's benefits, it really needs to go. One of these days I'll get kicked out of my house because the neighbours won't stop complaining about all the porn being played at my house, and there's no way they'd let me watch the tennis either. The potential for mistaking tennis groans for sex groans is so large I don't even think Ron Jeremy himself can tell the difference. For now, I have to stick to watching Animal Planet and avoiding the Tennis Channel. The one thing the animal kingdom has over humans: none of them make the same retarded sounds or faces during sex that we do.

Porn Star:
Tennis Star: