I love a good prank. The look of anguish on an unlucky Samaritan when they find their bike has been padlocked to a nearby tree, the rage flowing through a man's veins when he feels a thud of a water bucket come crashing down on his head, or maybe the simple humiliation of the age old down trou are all sights that are just so priceless not even Bill Gates could buy you out.
There is, however, an undisputed king of pranksterism, and that is whoever was clever enough to write a bunch of made up stories and get people to believe they were real! Real enough to devote your ENTIRE LIFE to them! Real enough to get you so angry you just decide to point to a place on a map, pick up your army and just decide its time for a good old fashion gun-toting, tank racing, ter-rist slapping war. Religion will forever be the greatest prank made on man kind. A talking snake? Genius! Making a woman out of a man's rib? Brilliant!
Although this author is undoubtedly the greatest prankster this universe has ever produced, it did get me thinking. If a KFC Double Down is actually real (it's basically a heart attack disguised as a bomb disguised as a sandwich disguised as chicken), what else is there really to believe in? Maybe the stories in this book arereal, maybe God is real. It got me thinking again (twice in a row, new high score), and I had a moment of unequivocal enlightenment. "This... God guy. He's an asshole. Actually... he's the biggest asshole of all time! This guy... This guy, he's a prankster... the ORIGINAL prankster......" My knees trembled and buckled at what was going through my mind. Then I stopped thinking about Kim Kardashian and went back to my God comprehension.
Quit it Kim, I'm having a biblical moment.
God, potentially the creator of this entire world, pulled a lot of crazy shit when he was doing his handiwork. "Hmmm. If they can't stop eating my delicious food I've meticulously created, I'll just let them get really big. They won't grow upwards, they will just grow sideways! And if they eat WAY too much, their heart won't work anymore. Fuck I'm great." He is also fine with meteors smashing into the planet whenever they want to. Nice job asshole. Meanwhile, God is up there on his cloud in the sky drinking brandy out of a hooker's vajongle, looking down at us peasants and laughing his omnipotent ass off at his lame ass pranks he's pulling. "BAHAHAHA! That guy was outside enjoying my sun for too long! Look how red his arms got! Hahahahaha. I am soooo almighty."
God damn it, fuck you, God. Damn it.
I now understand those "Have you found God?" posters. Everyone wants to find this asshole for all these dumb ass pranks he is pulling. We've had enough of this shit. I don't know why he isn't on the FBI's most wanted list. This guy is a serial nuisance.
Is someone able to tell me exactly why he makes us cramp? I've busted my ass running and chasing a ball for a few hours, and you decide to snipe my calf muscles from your brothel in the sky. Was that really necessary? How about when I'm just laying in my bed and you decide to burn my fucking calves off for no reason at all. Talk about short man syndrome. I can just imagine him in the sky with a massive beaming smirk in his fat mouth. The amount of pranks he pulls daily is frankly upsetting and I definitely want to file a complaint to the proper authorities. In the space of 5 minutes I came up with a list of things that are totally uncalled for.
Dropping things - For fuck's sake God, you're the "creator" and you can't make a pair of hands that can hold on to a glass of water? Get a new job.
Dandruff - ? Give me one good reason for why you created this.
Getting lost - Your design for us was terrible. You can be thankful someone invented GPS.
The flu - A disease that makes you sweat, heat up, then cool down, then heat up, throw up, become weak, have headaches and make you want to die, but doesn't actually kill you. Ever wonder why you never got employee of the month? Because you pull shit like this.
Paper cuts - Really? You made us bleed from paper? Enjoy it while it lasts because I'm coming to sue your ass.
Things that taste bad - Your world blows and I want a refund.
PMS - I hope you're happy that you gave women everywhere an excuse to act like a total bitch every month. (Good job on playing favourites)
If this guy is real, I can't be friends with him if he keeps pulling this crap all the fucking time. Prank after prank after prank and he has people eating out of the palm of his hand somehow. The mayhem needs to end. This is an open message to God: stop being an asshole or I'm coming for you. Creating Lady Gaga was the final straw.
A lot of things in life can be ruined easily - concerts, weddings, parties, fresh water crocodile births, the list seemingly never ends. Overall though, the one event that can be ruined at any given moment, by any given member of society is the cinema. Going to the movies is an experience where any slight hindrance to your viewing pleasure is magnified 5 million times.
A kick in the seat feels like a bus slamming into you, a crunching food wrapper sounds like Apollo 13 taking off, someone whispering sounds like Fran Drescher in full scream mode. The worst thing is: ALL OF THESE THINGS START HAPPENING WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS. The movie beginning, believe it or not, is not the green light to start to start your Hitler Youth revolution(s). If you are an asshole in a cinema (and you know who you are), you are actively supporting the Nazi regime. And terrorists. And internet censorship. How could you be so cruel?
I can accept prices of movie tickets going up. That doesn't bother me. I'm poor anyway so you may as well just strip me of everything I have right now and put me out of my misery. But to kick a man when he's down by kicking a man when he's sitting down is too far. Parents, if your kid likes to pretend his legs are 2 pistons, kicking me at 50 kicks per second, please do the decent thing. Please put a leash on him and yank it when he gets out of line. I've seen this method work on dogs. How many dogs do you see kicking at a cinema? Thought so. Dogs are better humans than humans are, and they aren't even humans. Do the scientific math.
The Chinese are known for their torture methods. Burning, electric shock, water and ropes are all used in various ways to torture the living shit out of someone. What a lot of people don't know is that the worst of them is actually prevalent in Western society: douchebags who eat their food slowly but still somehow manage to blow the roof off the cinema with noise. You know who I'm talking about. They come in 2 different styles, but they are essentially the same. The first one is the guy who tries so hard (although quite frankly not hard enough) to keep his shit quiet by moving the food wrapper very slow, but the result is the exact opposite and the CRINKLE CRINKLE CRANKLE echoes through the whole cinema. This guy is an asshole. The other guy is the guy who thinks he is in some world record race to eat his ice cream. This douchebag stops for NO ONE OR NOTHING. This guy is a food wrecking ball goliath. This guy is fucking proud of how fast he's eating and god damn it he's going to let you know about it. This guy is an asshole.
Ultimately these things combined with other movie nuisances such as: the guy who puts his foot on top of your foot without realising it, the guy who eats his ice (What the hell? What's the point in this? Go back to Antarctica, Willy), the guy who takes up all the arm rest space, the kids in the back who talk about Grey's Anatomy the whole time, or the fact that the movie you're watching is TOTAL FUCKING SHIT (thank you, Meet the Spartans) means that you WILL flip out at the next thing to slightly set you off. If there's an epileptic in the cinema, you can probably accept 1 or 2 rounds of the jitters from him or her. But if they're epileptic'ing throughout the whole movie, that's where you draw the line. It takes a very strong man to respect everyone and hold in his rage at this point.
When I have kids, I'll probably give them a trial run at a movie where there will be very few people in attendance (say something with Dane Cook, or ANOTHER Baby Geniuses sequel). If they don't pass their trial of not being a fucking annoying seat kicking twat, I'll be locking them up in a parakeet cage and gagging their mouths with old complaint letters for future movie experiences. I'm a compassionate person after all. There's no way I'm going to let someone else go through the pain I have been through. It's too traumatic. People, let's take the sin out of the Cinema.
Ok, I posted a catchy song the other day. The song is pretty dumb, it only has like 7 words but has about 1000x the ass. This one I'm about to dissect is just so blatantly stupid with about 6 million words, and no ass. It has a bald guy, that's pretty close to an ass I guess. But it's not an ass. The song is Hey Soul Sister by Train. You've undoubtedly heard this song, it's stupidly catchy but also stupidly stupid. Look at these lyrics (my observations in blue):
Hey, hey, hey hey
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains gross, are you the recipient of a lobotomy? and who the hell puts their lips on a brain?
I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind right, because when I know I won't forget someone, I let them operate inside my skull
Your sweet moon beam, the smell of you in every single dream I dream yeah moonbeams are nice I guess, but there's no way she smells nice if she's kissing your brains
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind one of your kind? which planet exactly do you come from?
Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know! woah woah woah, this girl is your sister? And maybe she moves faster than you because you're fat? Did you ever think of that? See I can rhyme random words too
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight why tonight specifically? did you read her diary? are you stalking her? you're stalking her aren't you?
Hey, hey,hey sup
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me I kind of hope you're the only 2 in this world with that mind, because you're messed up
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny if the game show is The Bachelor, you're out of luck. The person who wins that usually sues the dude. And the chicks get paid to be there
I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest first your brain now your heart?! When are your 9 lives going to run out?
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna, and I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind actually, Madonna sleeps with anything that has money and moves
Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know! stop chasing her fatty and maybe she'll stop moving
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight STOP STALKING HER
The way you can cut a rug, watching you's the only drug I need I've heard of the pie fetish and the balloon fetish, but cutting a rug?! Come on man
You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of thugs don't dream of girls, thugs slap a bitch
You see, I can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing I can't be I know one thing you can't be: a normal person
I want the world to see you be with me not happening
Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know! it's illegal to stalk
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do tonight, STOP STALKING HER
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight I'm calling the cops
Hey, hey,hey hi