Monday, July 12, 2010

Going to the movies can be painful

A lot of things in life can be ruined easily - concerts, weddings, parties, fresh water crocodile births, the list seemingly never ends. Overall though, the one event that can be ruined at any given moment, by any given member of society is the cinema. Going to the movies is an experience where any slight hindrance to your viewing pleasure is magnified 5 million times.

A kick in the seat feels like a bus slamming into you, a crunching food wrapper sounds like Apollo 13 taking off, someone whispering sounds like Fran Drescher in full scream mode. The worst thing is: ALL OF THESE THINGS START HAPPENING WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS. The movie beginning, believe it or not, is not the green light to start to start your Hitler Youth revolution(s). If you are an asshole in a cinema (and you know who you are), you are actively supporting the Nazi regime. And terrorists. And internet censorship. How could you be so cruel?

I can accept prices of movie tickets going up. That doesn't bother me. I'm poor anyway so you may as well just strip me of everything I have right now and put me out of my misery. But to kick a man when he's down by kicking a man when he's sitting down is too far. Parents, if your kid likes to pretend his legs are 2 pistons, kicking me at 50 kicks per second, please do the decent thing. Please put a leash on him and yank it when he gets out of line. I've seen this method work on dogs. How many dogs do you see kicking at a cinema? Thought so. Dogs are better humans than humans are, and they aren't even humans. Do the scientific math.

The Chinese are known for their torture methods. Burning, electric shock, water and ropes are all used in various ways to torture the living shit out of someone. What a lot of people don't know is that the worst of them is actually prevalent in Western society: douchebags who eat their food slowly but still somehow manage to blow the roof off the cinema with noise. You know who I'm talking about. They come in 2 different styles, but they are essentially the same. The first one is the guy who tries so hard (although quite frankly not hard enough) to keep his shit quiet by moving the food wrapper very slow, but the result is the exact opposite and the CRINKLE CRINKLE CRANKLE echoes through the whole cinema. This guy is an asshole. The other guy is the guy who thinks he is in some world record race to eat his ice cream. This douchebag stops for NO ONE OR NOTHING. This guy is a food wrecking ball goliath. This guy is fucking proud of how fast he's eating and god damn it he's going to let you know about it. This guy is an asshole.

Ultimately these things combined with other movie nuisances such as: the guy who puts his foot on top of your foot without realising it, the guy who eats his ice (What the hell? What's the point in this? Go back to Antarctica, Willy), the guy who takes up all the arm rest space, the kids in the back who talk about Grey's Anatomy the whole time, or the fact that the movie you're watching is TOTAL FUCKING SHIT (thank you, Meet the Spartans) means that you WILL flip out at the next thing to slightly set you off. If there's an epileptic in the cinema, you can probably accept 1 or 2 rounds of the jitters from him or her. But if they're epileptic'ing throughout the whole movie, that's where you draw the line. It takes a very strong man to respect everyone and hold in his rage at this point.

When I have kids, I'll probably give them a trial run at a movie where there will be very few people in attendance (say something with Dane Cook, or ANOTHER Baby Geniuses sequel). If they don't pass their trial of not being a fucking annoying seat kicking twat, I'll be locking them up in a parakeet cage and gagging their mouths with old complaint letters for future movie experiences. I'm a compassionate person after all. There's no way I'm going to let someone else go through the pain I have been through. It's too traumatic. People, let's take the sin out of the Cinema.

 Look how tranquil this is. I have a dream.

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