Thursday, July 22, 2010

God is a jerk.

I love a good prank. The look of anguish on an unlucky Samaritan when they find their bike has been padlocked to a nearby tree, the rage flowing through a man's veins when he feels a thud of a water bucket come crashing down on his head, or maybe the simple humiliation of the age old down trou are all sights that are just so priceless not even Bill Gates could buy you out.

There is, however, an undisputed king of pranksterism, and that is whoever was clever enough to write a bunch of made up stories and get people to believe they were real! Real enough to devote your ENTIRE LIFE to them! Real enough to get you so angry you just decide to point to a place on a map, pick up your army and just decide its time for a good old fashion gun-toting, tank racing, ter-rist slapping war. Religion will forever be the greatest prank made on man kind. A talking snake? Genius! Making a woman out of a man's rib? Brilliant!

Although this author is undoubtedly the greatest prankster this universe has ever produced, it did get me thinking. If a KFC Double Down is actually real (it's basically a heart attack disguised as a bomb disguised as a sandwich disguised as chicken), what else is there really to believe in? Maybe the stories in this book are real, maybe God is real. It got me thinking again (twice in a row, new high score), and I had a moment of unequivocal enlightenment. "This... God guy. He's an asshole. Actually... he's the biggest asshole of all time! This guy... This guy, he's a prankster... the ORIGINAL prankster......" My knees trembled and buckled at what was going through my mind. Then I stopped thinking about Kim Kardashian and went back to my God comprehension.
Quit it Kim, I'm having a biblical moment.

God, potentially the creator of this entire world, pulled a lot of crazy shit when he was doing his handiwork. "Hmmm. If they can't stop eating my delicious food I've meticulously created, I'll just let them get really big. They won't grow upwards, they will just grow sideways! And if they eat WAY too much, their heart won't work anymore. Fuck I'm great." He is also fine with meteors smashing into the planet whenever they want to. Nice job asshole. Meanwhile, God is up there on his cloud in the sky drinking brandy out of a hooker's vajongle, looking down at us peasants and laughing his omnipotent ass off at his lame ass pranks he's pulling. "BAHAHAHA! That guy was outside enjoying my sun for too long! Look how red his arms got! Hahahahaha. I am soooo almighty."

God damn it, fuck you, God. Damn it.

I now understand those "Have you found God?" posters. Everyone wants to find this asshole for all these dumb ass pranks he is pulling. We've had enough of this shit. I don't know why he isn't on the FBI's most wanted list. This guy is a serial nuisance.

Is someone able to tell me exactly why he makes us cramp? I've busted my ass running and chasing a ball for a few hours, and you decide to snipe my calf muscles from your brothel in the sky. Was that really necessary? How about when I'm just laying in my bed and you decide to burn my fucking calves off for no reason at all. Talk about short man syndrome. I can just imagine him in the sky with a massive beaming smirk in his fat mouth. The amount of pranks he pulls daily is frankly upsetting and I definitely want to file a complaint to the proper authorities. In the space of 5 minutes I came up with a list of things that are totally uncalled for.

Dropping things - For fuck's sake God, you're the "creator" and you can't make a pair of hands that can hold on to a glass of water? Get a new job.

Dandruff - ? Give me one good reason for why you created this.

Getting lost - Your design for us was terrible. You can be thankful someone invented GPS.

The flu - A disease that makes you sweat, heat up, then cool down, then heat up, throw up, become weak, have headaches and make you want to die, but doesn't actually kill you. Ever wonder why you never got employee of the month? Because you pull shit like this.

Paper cuts - Really? You made us bleed from paper? Enjoy it while it lasts because I'm coming to sue your ass.

Things that taste bad - Your world blows and I want a refund.

PMS - I hope you're happy that you gave women everywhere an excuse to act like a total bitch every month. (Good job on playing favourites)

If this guy is real, I can't be friends with him if he keeps pulling this crap all the fucking time. Prank after prank after prank and he has people eating out of the palm of his hand somehow. The mayhem needs to end. This is an open message to God: stop being an asshole or I'm coming for you. Creating Lady Gaga was the final straw.

Just another stupid prank.

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