Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Fine dining is not fine with me

Fine dining is the hipster of the food world. You know those artsy kids who wear tight black jeans and some ironic t-shirt with a faded scarf and a $100 haircut that looks exactly the same as a free one? Those guys that begin a music conversation with "you probably haven't heard of this band..." or "I knew about them before they sold out. They are so lame now." It is EXACTLY the same with bullshit fine dining meals.

I can see it's food, and it's on a plate. I can see it's meant to be eaten. The thing is, it's trying so fucking hard to look different that I just want to punch it right in the Cajun cashew blended drizzled nuts. When I want a meal I want a fucking MEAL. Not something the size of my thumbnail and the price of Michael Jackson's glove.

Don't get me wrong, some of these meals look pretty nice. Do they look tasty? No. Do they look like they could be frozen solid and sold as key chains in the restaurant gift shop? Yes. This review gives you the cold hard truth on these hipster junkie meals.
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Nice, a stick, a rock, some grass and some shaving foam, this meal looks incredible. Totally worth the 50 bucks. I sincerely hope that this is being served to an African orphan who has been living off dirt for 3 months, because really, dirt is the only thing that I think is worse than that handful of things you put on that plate.
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You know you're fine dining when the fish is the same size as the fucking fork. This reminds me of writing essays in high school, where you always put in extra words and made the font bigger just to make it look like you had put more effort in. In this case, the extra words are the broccoli and whatever the fuck that yellow thing is. Only 40 bucks? What a steal!
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"Hey, I know, lets blast the fucking plate with dressing so people don't realize that we only put 3 things the size of cherries on their plate!"
"Hey, they might notice. Put a couple of leaves on top to be sure."
I don't even think a cat would be satisfied with the amount of food on this plate.
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Really? Honestly? Man, you better get me a massive glass of water to wash this bad boy down. This is garbage and technically fraud. I ordered 'food' not 'something wrapped in a leaf with grass scattered around it'.
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This has to be a mistake. Surely this is a drink that has been accidentally served on a plate. Surely. I really doubt if that could even fill up a glass. The golden rule of fine dining: no matter what the size of the meal, make sure the plate is FUCKING ASTRONOMICALLY, ALMOST COMICALLY, HUGE.
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The hell? Covering half my plate with icing sugar doesn't make that tart bigger you asshole. The sad thing is, this is the entire dessert if you're fine dining. The good thing is this probably only sets you back 45 bucks. Even if you licked all of that icing sugar off, I'm pretty sure the entire value of that meal (including the plate) is about 9 dollars. By the way, nice leaf on top. Very necessary.
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What the fuck? Did you just choose the 3 closest things to you and put a skewer through them? This is awful and not worthy of traveling through my digestive tract.
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People, if you haven't already, I hope you realize that fine dining is bullshit. The food to plate ratio is always about 1:50000, you go broke just buying it, and the ingredients are seemingly things found in a guy named Phil's backyard. From now on, make sure you understand that anything that resembles the above is shit, and stay away from it. Fine dining is NOT those things, fine dining is this:

FINE DINING IS NOT FINE DINING. BUFFET IS FINE FUCKING DINING.

2 comments:

  1. Agreed. Screw fine dinning. What a waste of money.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You don't get it.

    ReplyDelete