Saturday, September 4, 2010

The new sins

Many of you may not know this, but I am God's best friend. When he was going through his hip hop phase, we collaborated on a few tracks. We reached #36 on the Cuban airplay charts with the single My Son's one Cool Mofo in the Summer of '92, and we stayed in touch ever since. While our relationship is very much a very very long distance one, we chat regularly.

He recently opened up and told me about a few mistakes he made. He broke down in a pool of tears. I started to tell him there was always going to be someone looking down on him blah blah and all that shit but I remembered he's God. He asked me to fix one of the biggest mistakes he made, which are known as the seven sins. Apparently he was filling out an online dating form and listed them as his best traits, and his secretary filed them in the wrong place or something. He was pretty embarrassed about the whole thing, and saw me as the perfect person (I am) to right those wrongs. In a Stripped Paint Exclusive, I present you the new Cardinal Sins.


If you're not masturbating, I'm assuming you have some horrible birth defect, such as no arms. There is absolutely no downside to jerking or stroking (ladies.....). You're killing about 9 different species of flightless birds with 1 gigantic semen stone by masturbating. You gain pleasure, stamina, strength, and, depending on your state of life, an overall sense of loser-ness. And, for the extreme amongst us, you may feel suicidal after masturbating to BME for the 20th time. You get the full spectrum of life and emotions just from a swift hand motion. If you're not doing this, prepare to rot in hell for eternity.


Granted, not all of this planet are not as dumb as a sack of Mexicans (fun fact: Total IQ = 37), but the ones that are truly dumb fall for dumb ass shit all the fucking time. If a guy claims he can heal you by hitting you in the face, IT'S NOT FUCKING TRUE.

While Peter Popoff is a jerk for the most part, you have to say bravo for tapping into the dumbass market and making bank for screaming and hitting people. Dumbass Exploitation Hall of Fame anyone? I understand he's bankrupt now, but the inside word is he just did the whole thing just to prove a point.

If a girl starts to walk like a lunatic and barely talks better than Terry Schiavo after a regular flu shot, but shows no emotion whatsoever, and is on multiple news networks (AKA attention whoring, publicity), do you REALLY THINK IT'S REAL? Stop falling for this bullshit you idiots. Watch the first one, decide if you're a dumbass or not, then watch the second. The second shouldn't even be news considering how fucking bullshit, batshit, dogshit, shitshitshit, this whole event is. Fuck you, I'm pissed now.


Not only are you both fucking dumbasses, you're now sinners as well.

Glorious human beings.


Nose whistlers are those people that whistle through their nose when they're supposedly breathing. I don't believe they're actually breathing, because breathing doesn't sound like a fucking turbo jet landing on the tarmac. Time stands still when you're in the presence of a nose whistler. You can't concentrate on anything but the blood curdling scream coming from their nose, it's grotesque. A good way to get rich would be to walk into a bank with a posse of 6 or 7 nose whistlers, and take all the money you can find. No one would notice the robbery for all the nose whistling. The devastation nose whistling could potentially cause leaves me with the one option left, converting it to sin status.


Every single one of these is now a sin. These are also tapping into the dumbass market. When I was a young lad, the 1am television comprised purely of minimum wage girls writhing around on a stage made out of styrofoam, plastered with graphics made in Word 97, trying to sell phone sex. To a 13 year old boy, this is hard core porn. We need to go back to those glory days. The dumbass market has made it possible for infomercials to infiltrate this time slot with ease. Dumbasses buy anything that manages to occupy a 30 minute time slot. Guess who listens to people talking about a blender for 30 minutes? Dumbasses. Let me give you a rundown on how an infomercial works to hook a dumbass in.

1. Ask questions that can only be answered with yes.

"Do you want clean carpets?"
"Do you want your kids to get a good eduction?"
"Do you find it essential to eat food?"
"Does every blender seem the same to you?" (hint: they are)

2. Action shot of item in middle-upper class home with small audience ready to participate in the eating of the food.

Because we all love to sit and watch people fucking blend. During this time, the host needs to show an enormous amount of emotion when he finds out the blender can do more than one thing.

3. Display a ridiculously confusing phone number and talk about easy payments.

After you've decided that you want this amazing blender, they give you the number to call to bring one into your life. "Just call 1-800 BLENDER 4 U, that's 1-800 24854." Wait, what? There's more letters in the letter version than the number version? How does that work?

Once you figure out that crossword, you're ready to make your 4 easy payments. They obviously wouldn't trouble you with some hard payments. Because I really hate when I have to jump through hoops to pay for cutlery. Very annoying.

4. Repeat. For the entire night until the Christians invade.

They too use this structure, once again to hook in dumbasses.


If this was an attractive smell, Lynx would have it in a can by now. If you smell like an old person, you're sinning. You're sinning like no one has ever sinned before. Incidentally, not telling someone they smell like an old person is just as sin worthy. We can make this world a better place by getting rid of that horrid death ridden smell.


Self explanatory. Consider killing yourself.

Apologies for the inconvenience in the changing of the sins, but I think all the new ones cover all bases necessary for a healthy living environment physically and mentally. No need to thank me, the knowledge that I'm making the world a better place is enough reward for me.

Shit, guess I need a 7th sin. Hmmm, lame blogs. That will do. No more lame blogs.

God damn it :(


  1. Oh, God. That's it, we're all going to the deepest levels of hell. There's no avoiding it.

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