Sunday, October 10, 2010

The Commonwealth Games: The Thank Fuck America Isn't Here Games

America has it all. They have the beautiful women, they have the money, they have the succulent steaks, they have the athletes and they sure as fuck have the roids to turn the shitty ones into suped-up, gold churning machines. They have everything and they know it. There is just one thing America does not know about, and I'm exceptionally sorry I have to break this news.

The rest of the world has an Olympics without you.

I know what you're thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK? You're playing SPORTS without US? Get my rifle son, the one I don't have a license for. Or perhaps the handgun I keep under my pillow for them ter-rists. Get your mothers' too. These fuckers aren't getting away with this."

Please, put your rifles away, and let me explain for a second. They're called the Commonwealth Games. A lot of the world outside of America is part of the Commonwealth, we pose no threat. In fact, some of us are even on your side!

You don't understand how shitty you make us all feel, America. You win EVERYTHING. Our best, most talented athletes are brought to depressing, humiliating, suicidal shame when they go up against your roid machines. We need these games, America. We need them for our own self worth.

Imagine this for a second. You're now Canadian.


Canada are nice, but Mr Nice Guy never wins, right, America? You want that oil, you fucking go get it, soldier. Canada got 3 gold medals in Beijing. The 2010 Commonwealth Games have been going for four days. They have 19 golds and 53 total. Canada are no Gary Coleman around these parts. Canada are fucking Sylvester Stallone with machine guns for hands and sandpaper for fingernails.

 The Official Commonwealth Games World Map

This may be bold of me, but I'm assuming everyone reading this has been to high school. If you haven't, I'll assume you're in the process of leaving (good luck with the oil!). Now, think about high school. Imagine, for one second, that every jerk at that school was removed. Imagine if everyone who beat you at something was removed from that school. Imagine that every single test you took was a breeze. Imagine that everyone who was remotely world class at anything was removed.


Welcome to the greatest show on earth. The show where everyone fucking SUCKS at everything, no one watches, and we become the greatest fucking athletes this side of California.

It's widely known that New Zealand turns up to the Olympics for the after party. The snacks are delicious and way too good to pass up, no one would dispute that fact. Medal tally? They award medals here?

The Commonwealth Games is where we really fucking turn it on. We fucking bring the pain to powerhouse nations such as the Cayman Islands and the Isle of Man. We are unstoppable, medal thirsty beasts and bathe in our medal tally as if God himself created our athletes and brought them to this earth to beat Praveen, the malnourished, 5' 1" Indian girl at the shot put.

 A quick snapshot of the junior Olympics to put things in perspective.

Just to give you an idea of how nice these games are, Usain Bolt, the fastest man on the fucking PLANET, doesn't turn up to the Commonwealth Games. He's over the speed limit. If you're good at something, you're not allowed here. Everyone deserves a shot at winning something. If there was a special Olympics for people who weren't... special... then these are them. If there was a Paralympics for people who weren't fucking paralyzed, these are them. These games bring the rest of the world together in a way that we don't have to worry about being subpar. We don't have to worry about America taking our lunch money, shoving our face down a toilet and fucking our sister and mother at the same time.

We love you America, and we get it. You're good at stuff. Stuff that actually matters, such as running really fast and jumping really high. But the rest of the world needs these games. They make us feel complete. They make us feel like we are gods among men when really the whole thing is an excuse to celebrate our inferiority. We like medals too, OK?!

Thank you for putting the rifle down.

No comments:

Post a Comment