Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Things humans can learn from inanimate objects

I think the whole human population would admit the whole human population blows. There is too much hate in this world. Wars in Israel and Iraq, gang crimes, homophobia and the Bieber army regime that consumes innocent 14 year old girl's souls for the purpose of world domination daily. The human race stops at nothing to bring sadness and hatred upon one another. I had a moment with my best friend, God, the other night to ask him why the world is such a volatile place. He said, "Sam, you must realize that humans are fucking scrotum scratching vermin."

And so it was.

We claim to be the smartest things on the planet (we're vain like that), but we are not smart enough to see that things that can't actually think for themselves are the smartest things on the planet.

When a banana dies away, it offers much to the earth. The skin can be used in the ground as a tremendous source of vitamins and nutrients, which in turn helps the trees and plants grow into beautiful majestic flora and fauna. The fruit itself will just dissolve into the ground peacefully. When a human dies however, there is MASSIVE STINK, the guts fall out of the body, we involuntarily piss all over the place, and take fucking forever to dissolve into nothingness. We don't even help the environment at all. Eyeballs do not make for a good fertilizer. Must we keep hurting our planet's feelings? A banana has the most retarded name ever, but does he/she hold any grudges and piss all over the place? No.

Spot the contributing member to society.

The human race can be painfully dull. While it is true that we do have some very funny people, the majority of them are so terrible that it in most cases I am inspired to start a protest march to make bad comedy illegal. Nothing less than the death penalty would be imposed. Bringing your harrowing comedy upon the rest of us is quite frankly insulting, and you should be ashamed. Just when you think comedy can't get ANY unfunnier, Charlie Sheen gets a new show.

Kill me now.

A chair that breaks when someone sits on it is funny. A hat that blows away in the wind and can't be caught is funny. A balloon that pops in someone's face is hilarious, and a potential lawsuit with a big payday. 2 birds, 1 hilarious stone. None of these need punchlines and they're always funny. No matter how hard Charlie Sheen tries, he will never, EVER be as funny as a chair.

One of these swears a lot, makes stupid faces and dumb noises, and tells long winded stories with no punch line. The other one is funny.

Humans pretty much suck. Some of us hate each other purely because of the colour of our skin. Probably the most known of these racist groups are the KKK. They promote things such as white supremacy, nationalism, and commit terrorist acts. Here is a fact some may not be aware of though. Since 1865, when the KKK was formed, not one dehumidifier has been a member of the Klan. NOT ONE. Never has a fireplace applied to be a member. A handrail was once in the group but this was later found to be an undercover officer. Inanimate objects don't judge on colour, creed, or race. They don't get involved in this racism tomfoolery, they are above it. They are role models we all need to look up to.

I'm not very fashionable because I'm not gay. I'm comfortable admitting that to the world. There are, however, plenty of humans who try very, very hard (too hard) to look good. If you aren't gay or a woman, you probably look like crap. It's inevitable. It's not too late for these people to admit that something that has no ability to think for themselves will always look better than they do. For example: which of these do you think looks ridiculous?

 Or this:
 Or this:

People try way too hard with how they look. Inanimate objects either look good or they don't, and move on with their bad ass life at 120 MPH.

As humans we all make mistakes. WHICH FUCKING BLOWS. Inanimate objects don't make mistakes. Let's take this lesson and move forward. The whole world would be a much better place if we stopped fucking it up. Next time you see a pin tack in a drawing board, observe how they live in harmony. We have much to learn.

While doing research for this article, I discovered that businessmen are always photographed with a phone.

1 comment:

  1. You know, the phone thing is essential to their attire? They're probably surgically attached or something.

    Especially to fax machines and shit.

    Also, fuck inanimate objects, a chair stubbed my toe. I was like "HEY."