Sunday, August 29, 2010

Alpha male + douche = alpha douche

Probably the biggest disorder that has been sweeping our planet recently (and perhaps others) is alpha male-ism. The alpha male is quite a phenomenon, capable of ruining 13 people's nights in the space of approximately 6 minutes. Some reports have indicated a much higher number than this when a bitch (female) is involved. When you cross an alpha male with douche-type behaviour, you have an alpha douche on your hands. Be aware there are varying degrees of an alpha douche - most are fairly docile and pose no threat. The hierarchy of the alpha male is reasonably complex though, and I will try to cover the most common cases. Be advised: graphic douchery in the following article.

Grade 1 Alpha douche:

This alpha douche is the least aggressive of all, but is probably the most annoying. This is the guy who brings a fucking guitar to a party to "get chicks". This is the guy that only knows 2 chords on the guitar. If this guy is involved with any activity, you can bet your ass he is going to tell you about his history with it. For example, if a game of basketball starts after he's just played "Horse With No Name" for the 14th time that night, you are going to hear his ample past in basketball. The chances that none of it are true are too high for any measuring system to actually measure. Scientists estimate 100%.

No matter what achievements any person has in his vicinity, they mean nothing to this alpha douche, because he has far more accomplishments than any peasant below him. You won't be seeing them anytime soon though, since they're all in his head.

Grade 2 Alpha douche:

This douche you will see walking down the street everyday, with an undeserved look of arrogance and accomplishment. If he trips over something, he'll yell at someone nearby and claim it was their fault. If he gets denied by a girl, he'll shout "WHORE" to detract from his failings. This douche would rather take a kick to the gonads rather than have his male pride ruined. This alpha douche needs to make sure at ALL TIMES that no matter what happens, nothing is EVER his fault, for he is flawless. (He's not.) While these things may seem severe, he usually will avoid confrontation because if he comes home to mom with a scratch he won't be getting dinner. Knowledge that this guy will die forever lonely and unloved is punishment enough.

Grade 3 Alpha douche:

When you get to this stage, it's really a slippery slope to grade 4. Only saving grace is they HAVE to be acting. There's no way people like this are real.

Grade 4 Alpha douche:

This alpha douche is VERY aggressive and should not be approached. He works out every day (his arms and chest only) and has roughly 3 visible veins in his neck. He can be found in bars with a girl hanging off his overdeveloped arm (out of fear for her own personal safety after denying him 3 times previously), being loud and making sure everyone knows that he is on the premises. It's kind of like a group shower (this sounds gay...) where there's one guy with a 2 foot long schlong. Everyone can see you're bigger, everyone can see you're more manly, but there's no way in hell I'd want to live like that. Circulation issues. If this alpha male has to go to bathroom, it's likely he's injecting some roids.

Naturally, none of these types can be associated as a leader (in a normal person's mind). So technically, they aren't alpha males. Douche males, yes. True alpha males perhaps not. However, since they do command attention they all deserve a place on the alpha douche hierarchy. Forget about the ozone layer and global warming, let's address the global douche-ing. We need to purify this planet before they start bringing roids and guitars to our children's schools. We need to purify for the safety of our women and the sanity of our citizens. If you imagine this message from the greatest alpha male douche, it will hit home what needs to be done.

This is also what grade 5 looks like.


  1. COME AT ME BRO!!!... Loved the post. Hope you can visit

  2. hai there ive given you your daily clicks :D wellll can u give me mine i would REALLLLYYYY love it ty!!! -ashley

  3. lol gotta hate those guys! Show some love!

  4. hai there back from high school being a freshie suckssss! oh no!!! anyways i did the daily loop of your page *wink* *wink* if u know what i mean circlebuddy! well wanna return the favor!!! psssst! love your blog <3 :D -Ashley