Thursday, June 10, 2010

Why I won't be buying a 3D TV

Ever since Avatar came out, the world has joined as one in one massive 3D circle jerk (with full panoramic view). Now, I'm fine with a circle jerk, especially when they are over blue extra-terrestrials with smoking bodies, but in this instance I have to refrain from throwing my (proverbial) hat in the ring. I don't want a 3D TV. Not because of the clunky glasses, not because of the astronomical price of the technology, not because of the various other pieces you have to buy to make the TV actually work, not because of the 5 million formats you have to consider, not because of the strain the 3D puts on your eyes, not because of the difficulty viewing the TV from anywhere but in front of the TV set, not because of the limited amount of things to watch that are actually in 3D, but because I remember what my life was like when I got HD TV. I remember it clearly, but I remember the aftermath just as vividly. I could see everything! Every blade of grass, every drop of sweat, every growing curve on Mariah Carey's body. I could die the very next day and I would die happy. I had joined the HD circle jerk and I had come away with not a single bit of (proverbial) egg on my face. This was the life, a perfect viewing experience. It didn't matter if I was 1 inch away or 10 feet. Every encounter was more pleasant than the last. But the day came where I was without my HD TV. I was at a friend's house. "You wanna watch some TV?" "For sure" I said, unaware of the physical assault my eyes were about to take. He flicks on the television. My eyes have been spoiled by the gloriousness (yeah it's a word) of my HD TV for about a week now. As the pixels fill out the black on the TV, my eyes take a pounding. "YOU DON'T HAVE HD TV?" I scream, sweat piling on my forehead. I relate it to being mugged. You don't want to look the guy in the eyes in case there is eye contact and he gets pissed. But you have to. You have to so you know what he looks like, for when the police come. In this case, the HD police. Watching regular TV after you've been watching full HD TV for a week is like a guy named Jeff who wont stop throwing dirt in your eyes when you're 7 years old because he thinks it's funny (fuck you Jeff). It's physical assault. I'd rather smother my face with a pillow and just listen to the sound. I'm virtually blind anyway with this terrible picture quality. DAMN YOU REGULAR TV. I went home crying. I felt like I had been raped. This is why I won't be buying a 3D TV. Because going from 3D TV to a regular TV will be like this experience on a whole new 3D, Avatar scale. When 3D is the norm in households, I will buy one. But not now. Not while these HD wounds are still healing.

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